Unfortunately, I can't seem to get anything to come out.
I have facebook brain--small tidbits. Nothing too personal.
I also have developed like electronic ADD. I can't sit and watch an entire television program without checking my phone. Seriously, I can't watch an entire 30 minutes program--which is actually like 21 minutes because of commercials--without checking to see if someone else checked into Chick-fil-a or some shit.
I need an intervention.
Oh, yeah, my kids have been trying for months to get me engaged in some kind of game with them. I couldn't care less about Pokemon. I tried, but failed to get into Minecraft. Last week they suggested I try Dragonvale. Yeah, now I'm obsessed. I have to go back there every 30-45 minutes to collect up as much food and cash as I can to feed my dragons so I can breed some better dragons to grow more food, to get more cash!
I think I need a vacation on one of those huts out in the middle of a clear blue ocean with no internet, phone, cable, etc. Just my family and me.
Oh, look at that... I'm writing!
I've either developed or finally acknowledged some of the anxiety that I am attributing to 9-11. I have had a script for Ativan for the last year or so, but haven't taken it with any regularity. I've used it a few times when things like the Boston Marathon bombing happened. I find myself getting shaky and agitated in the care with Nate a lot, though. Like, I don't deal well with potential danger. Having to take medication to feel calm enough to be in a crowd, though, just boggles me. I've never been like that before.
We go to this mall that is like 4 floors of shopping center under the Eddie Bauer headquarters--which Nate said was like 40 stories. The garage is 4-5 floors deep under ground. Arden commented on how the the building must be really, really heavy over top of the garage into which we were driving deeper and deeper. My heart started to race. I managed to get that under control, by pretending that I wasn't really getting upset about the sheer volume of weight that could crush us dead if anything were to happen. An hour or so later we were sitting in the Starbucks in the lowest level of that mall, just enjoying our hot beverages. I started envisioning being in the WTC when the planes hit. I had visions of terrorist attacks when people are just sitting around, enjoying their lives, minding their own business and some asshole blows them all up. The heart racing, my brow sweating, and instant fear started to take over. Seriously?!? 13 years later and suddenly I'm having this PTSD. WHY!?
Anyway, it might be time to get some therapy again, because I never know when this stuff is going to happen. I'm really, super uncomfortable with taking Ativan every day just to maintain my composure. I don't want to be considered someone who needs anxiety meds, but I'm starting to get there.