(no subject)

I just came up in here to write some kind of epic something or other to get back into writing on Livejournal again.

Unfortunately, I can't seem to get anything to come out.

I have facebook brain--small tidbits. Nothing too personal.

I also have developed like electronic ADD. I can't sit and watch an entire television program without checking my phone. Seriously, I can't watch an entire 30 minutes program--which is actually like 21 minutes because of commercials--without checking to see if someone else checked into Chick-fil-a or some shit.

I need an intervention.

Oh, yeah, my kids have been trying for months to get me engaged in some kind of game with them. I couldn't care less about Pokemon. I tried, but failed to get into Minecraft. Last week they suggested I try Dragonvale. Yeah, now I'm obsessed. I have to go back there every 30-45 minutes to collect up as much food and cash as I can to feed my dragons so I can breed some better dragons to grow more food, to get more cash!

I think I need a vacation on one of those huts out in the middle of a clear blue ocean with no internet, phone, cable, etc. Just my family and me.

Oh, look at that... I'm writing!

I've either developed or finally acknowledged some of the anxiety that I am attributing to 9-11. I have had a script for Ativan for the last year or so, but haven't taken it with any regularity. I've used it a few times when things like the Boston Marathon bombing happened. I find myself getting shaky and agitated in the care with Nate a lot, though. Like, I don't deal well with potential danger. Having to take medication to feel calm enough to be in a crowd, though, just boggles me. I've never been like that before.

We go to this mall that is like 4 floors of shopping center under the Eddie Bauer headquarters--which Nate said was like 40 stories. The garage is 4-5 floors deep under ground. Arden commented on how the the building must be really, really heavy over top of the garage into which we were driving deeper and deeper. My heart started to race. I managed to get that under control, by pretending that I wasn't really getting upset about the sheer volume of weight that could crush us dead if anything were to happen. An hour or so later we were sitting in the Starbucks in the lowest level of that mall, just enjoying our hot beverages. I started envisioning being in the WTC when the planes hit. I had visions of terrorist attacks when people are just sitting around, enjoying their lives, minding their own business and some asshole blows them all up. The heart racing, my brow sweating, and instant fear started to take over. Seriously?!? 13 years later and suddenly I'm having this PTSD. WHY!?

Anyway, it might be time to get some therapy again, because I never know when this stuff is going to happen. I'm really, super uncomfortable with taking Ativan every day just to maintain my composure. I don't want to be considered someone who needs anxiety meds, but I'm starting to get there.

Oh hey, it's me!

I'm sick of being sick... having some kind of random illness I can't identify or that I think that doctors are going to think I imagined. Anemia sucks balls. I never thought that Anemia was an actual condition until I discovered --after months of general malaise-- that I was afflicted. Suckiness galore. All of my efforts to lose weight has come to a screeching halt. My holiday weight is staying solidly IN PLACE. I had to move back up into my size 14s... with my 10/12s are back in the cupboard. It sucks balls. I'm back to half heartedly counting points and trying my best to maintain this weight while I try to figure out how to manage my anemia... but it's just disappointing to be up 12-15 pounds. When I was 260 pounds, it wasn't nearly as noticeable as it is now.

Then, there's whatever this wheat/gluten issue I'm having. Anytime I eat anything with wheat in it, I get really terrible gas and stomach pain. I cut out those ingredients and feel mostly better--and less bloated. I don't WANT to give up wheat. I love bread, cake, cookies, pasta, etc. Life without those things is SAD AS HELL.



(no subject)

Can you stand it?

Happy Six month birthday wittle puppers!!!

He's 80 lbs--and actually a little underweight (because we can feel his ribs).

An El-jay drive by.

I never post. And India's history is suffering for it. Today is the first day of coming back to El-jay--if only to have an archive of the things she says and does!

She turned three on Friday. This morning, at the ped's office, she weighed in at a hearty 25 lbs! Whoo-nelly! She is 35 inches tall. She is so very three. A few weeks ago I had a cortisone shot in the butt for breathing issues. She was EXTREMELY UPSET when the nurse wouldn't let her have her Polio shot in the butt... ha!



Yesterday was Arden's last dance class. Meagan is another mother there. We always chat. She's got three girls--6,4, and 18 months. She has occasionally mentioned a playgroup at a local church on Fridays, but hasn't seemed overtly religious.

She is frequently speaking about how she has "a bunch of girlfriends" and their kids over in Thursday nights for dinner and playing. I enjoy her company, so I mentioned that I'd like to be invited to the next one. She seemed so excited--almost surprised that I wanted to come? I'm not sure why. At dinner last night it occurrd to me that it might be a Bible study or something--and I missed her mentioning it?

Not sure what to do. I really do like her. She seems cool. She's from Wisconsin. But, man, not sure what I will do if they bust out some prayer or Bibles! For the life of me, I can't figure out how to establish what this weekly tradition is about-without, say, asking directly.

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(no subject)

I have a skin tag on my right nipple. It's gross, but the only way to get rid of it is to freeze it off.

Well, yesterday my nipple started to hurt. Last night I noticed the tag was blown up like a balloon when it's usually just a little piece of skin. Before going to bed I discovered it was blue-black on the tip of the damn thing.


It hurts to nurse. I have a phone appointment with a doctor at 9:30. Not sue what that will do. Seems like a doctor would need to see it.


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